I cried a lot of tears today. I felt sad and unloved, I was honest with myself, even though it didn't feel good.

I felt bad because, in my opinion, I behaved like a little bitch. I didn't know the answer to the situation I was in, so I surrendered and gave more than was asked. I did this because I reasoned I had nothing to lose.

The truth is I had everything to gain, I just don't know how to get it. First, I didn't really understand what was at stake. It wasn't what was asked of me, what the real question was and is at all times, how do I feel about myself and how is this situation going to get me where I am going.

At that moment my mind was trying to figure out, how to outsmart or keep what I possessed in terms of how another person or people defined the object and interaction.

It should have been and will always be, what does this situation represent to me and how am I going to use it to get better?

I definitely need to clarify some shit for myself, but at least I am clear about that. It's never about them, it's always about me.

I felt better when I got honest with myself and admitted, I felt like I got punked out and have felt that way in such situations, probably all my life. Now I can fix it. I don't know how long that's going to take, but I won't quit and I'll keep going at it till I get it right.

So, I never have anything to lose when I bet on myself and I always have everything to gain when I am going after what's necessary for me to win, i.e. how I feel about myself.

With these words, I bid you...

Good night